Caught Between A Rock And A Hardplace, The Lesson I Had To Re-learn
I have been writing on and off for the past 12 years or so.
My friends, or those that consider me a friend, who have read my writings good and bad, describe me as a very opinionated, yet, open-minded, and prolific person, and writer, a free thinker if you will, who is more than capable, of expressing into words on paper, on any topic I choose to expound upon. Truly a compliment, but my knowledge comes from years of experience, and is for the most part, from God.
I married my wife 25 years ago. God bless her she is a saint in my eyes.
12 years ago, just as a hobby, for something to fill the time, while I was home alone, I began writing. I chose to right about something I had a strong passion for, Romance, and all of the pleasures that surround it and come with it. Yes I started writing Porn novels, and I was really good at it. I actually completed two novels, and even tried to get them published, but could not find a publisher who would accept them.
About halfway through writing the first novel, a year after I started to write, tiny little signs of envy, or loneliness, began to develop in her demeanour towards me, but she said nothing to me, so I tucked away my observations of her, and kept working.
I didn't even give it a second thought, nor did I consider myself, with the fact that what I was doing, was UnChristian. This was the furthest thing from my mind. I was totally consumed with getting word to page.
It wasn't until I was nearly finished the second novel, three and a half years from when I first started to write, that she voiced her true feelings of anger, and her hatred for what I was doing, because God was not a part of this work.
But by this time, that was the last name I wanted to hear uttered. I loved God, I loved her, but this was for our financial future, or so I kidded myself and tried to kid her in to believing it to. If I could get these two books published, I could make a fortune from them. We would be able to enjoy total financial freedom and neither of us would have to work.
There was the trap. There was the lie that Satan had trapped me with and pinned me down to. Money and greed and fame, my weaknesses had been exposed by the enemy, and he was doing a great job of using that, to drive a wedge not just between me and God, but between me and my wife, and he had put blinkers on me, so that I could not see what he was up to.
Then one morning, as I was sitting in my easy chair and relaxing, a quiet whisper filled my mind, and the same thing was being repeated over and over again in my mind. I recognized the words immediately, but I didn't know why these words were filling my mind, and I couldn't shake loose from them.
I kept hearing Mark: 8: 36-37 "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul. I grabbed my Bible and opened it up, and didn't it open up to that exact scripture.
After reading it again, and even going back a few verses, I fell to my knees, crying out from the depths of my soul, Father, Jesus, what is it you want from me? Am I not a good child? Am I not a good husband? Am I not doing my best to try and earn money, to provide for our future? What can I do more? The blinkers were still on, so I could not see Satan's trap, right there before my very eyes. I lay prone on the floor, sobbing, and confused for about what seemed like maybe 2 or 3 very long minutes.
Suddenly I heard the little tiny voice speak to my mind again. "Do you love Me?" it asked. Without hesitation I answered. "Yes of course Lord, I do, but," Again I heard. "Do you love me, and will you trust in Me? again I answered yes Lord, but," He said "There can be no 'BUT' my child, love Me and trust in Me, completely and I will show you the way, My way.
I dried my eyes, and said, "Okay I am ready to listen. I will become your obedient child and follow as you ask of me.
That day was April 2004. In May that same year, I attended a Holy Spirit Revival Retreat Seminar held over the 24th. of May long weekend, and when I returned home, my mind suddenly and instantly, became flooded with two poetic writings that you may have seen in my previous articles, as well as new different lyrics, for two old songs.
Since then I have made a personal dedication, to Almighty God and to Jesus declaring myself as a Son of God, and a Brother to both Jesus and The Holy Spirit, vowing to unconditionally fulfill God's will. My mind now is like an empty Urn for The Holy Spirit to fill as He need, and my fingers are the instruments used to type His words into my computer.
I know and believe that God has provided for my needs, and will continue to do so, and wealth and fame are no longer important to me. I am still the person I guess that my friends described me to be, but I have taken on Humbleness as how I wish to be seen.
Our marriage still hits bumps in the road occasionally, but now we work together to smooth out the bumps.
Tags: Trapped , Lies , Porn , Greed
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