Before Saying "I do" At The Altar Be Certain It's Right
Before Saying "I do"
This is a huge step in a couples life. Here are some common sense points on what to observe and/or avoid, before saying I do, at the altar.
As christian couples councillors, most may not be a marriage councillor with a degree, nor an expert in marriage relations, but they do offer an ear to listen, as well as spiritual guidance. They should also be a very keen observer of society and societal practices and ways of trying to make things work, between couples dating, and in marriages.
There is a huge difference between unconditionally selflessly loving someone and being In Love with someone. To say you love someone, with conditions of this or that is not loving them for who they are, it is temporarily accepting them with expectations for change. If you cannot say I love you and accept you for the person you are, then it is not true unconditional love.
In today's 'disposable world' where people tend to easily, simply disgard things and seemingly people it is not strange to discover that some people tend to view relationships and marriage as a disposable thing too, more as a commodity, rather than a joining of two souls.
If it's stopped working, get rid of it and get a new one. If it's old and needs repair, trash it get a better one. If a mate does not live up to your expectations, dump them, divorce them, and move on, maybe get another. So 26 years of marriage, to many seems miraculous.
As Christians by faith we believe there are three persons in our one God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We should also realize that there are three persons in a loving marriage: Husband, Wife, and God. When you and your spouse are being physically intimate together, do you think that God turns his back, or leaves the room. No!
Loving someone, really loving them, must mean that you love them Unconditionally. This means that you are willing to put them first over and above yourself. It means that you're willing to give of yourself to do for them, things in your daily life, you might not even think to do for yourself.
Being in love with someone, is merely the desire to be able to explore, and express your physical, and biological attraction, your chemical hunger for that person, maybe even just to fill your loneliness.
Once the physical attraction begins to dwindle due to the daily humdrum of everyday life of going to work, dealing with financial problems, maybe a child, and familiarity of faults, and dislikes sets in, in many cases the couples find that they have little if nothing in common, the physical attraction fades, because it becomes a routine, and couples discover that they have little or nothing in common.
But, with Almighty God as a third member in your relationship you have a much better chance! God will introduce you to values in each other you might not see on your own, for yourself. God will find and show you ways to stimulate your relationship and bring contentment, joy and happiness into it.
In any christian, loving, lasting, relationship and/or marriage there are always three members, not just two, for like it or not, God is there as the third, and all three require love, time, and patience.
What qualities must be there in a relationship, or, a marriage?
Does your partner display a respect for themselves, and does this respect also apply to how they see and treat you?
How can one recognize True Unconditional Love and not just physical attraction ie.lust, or infatuation?
Ladies: It is said rightfully so, that a man has two heads. If the man in your life appears to be thinking with the smaller of the two, he's using the wrong head.
As a simple example: The two of you are out for an evening stroll through the neighborhood, walking hand in hand. Does your man show you his respect and care, by walking you on the inside away from the curb and the traffic, to protect you from traffic and danger, or, does he not care and lets you walk close to the curb, risking your safety for his own. More importantly do you have enough respect for yourself and your own safety to request him to protect you, for him to take the curb side.
[Qualities to look for in your partner, male or female]
Does my partner exhibit the following attributes?
Honesty, integrity, straight-forwardness, speaking bluntly, trust, openness, caring, gentleness, friendship, open-mindedness, patience, understanding, flexibility, compassion, generosity, sharing, willingness of sacrifice, good-humour, communicative, forgiving, willingness to apologize, are things to be looking for.
These are the sort of traits that your partner, your mate should be demonstrating in both a dating relationship as well as in a marriage.
If you aren't seeing these traits, think twice. You should be asking yourself: If these are the qualities, the traits I need and I want in my mate, and I'm not seeing them, then why would I accept second best. Both partners must see in their partner what will make the other the happiest for love to blossom and grow.
As one can see, it isn't that simple to be a good partner in either dating or in marriage.
[What to look for and avoid even flee from]
Probably you will not witness all of the above mentioned good traits in your partner, but if you are witnessing the reversal of those traits, or qualities, then just maybe you have the wrong partner. These should be signs to avoid and or flee.
Is your partner jealous, controlling, manipulative, possessive, demanding, abusive (physically,emotionally, psycologically) these are definitely not qualities you want in either a dating partner, or in a life mate.
Does your partner abuse the usage of alcohol? Do they do recreational drugs? Do they gamble in obsession?
If you think that a relationship of 26 years, is one of bliss and happiness for the most part, think again. There will always be peaks and valleys ups and downs.
Loving longtime relationships will experience good times and bad times, ups and downs. Couples will argue and fight, sometimes over the most stupid of things, but still they are together, and yes there is love still alive and well in their marriage. Some days it may be hard to find, but they know each other and they know that the love is there.
One important thing to do your best to avoid is the emotional roller-coaster ride that partners can and will experience. There are times when emotions can and will run rampant, especially with the female partner and usually it is during certain portions of their biological cycle. It is not something that can easily be avoided.
Here are two little secrets though, for what it might be worth to you and your relationship.
You both should love God and believe in Him and His power, and both believe strongly in prayer, and both try your hardest to put the other ahead of yourselves.
Never go to sleep angry with each other. Kiss and make up no matter what, before you go to bed. This is a must do piece of advice for if it is not followed both will lose sleep and toss and turn. It makes no sense at all to bring forward into the next day some disagreement that ended the evening before. It sets a bad tone for day and serves no purpose.
Many couples today, especially those from western societies, view the taking of their wedding vows as simply a formality required by society to enable them to live together without being hassled and looked down upon by family, mostly because they want to sleep together. And, it matters not to the couples or it matters little to them what family traditions, beliefs, or faith, is about.
The words they speak mean nothing so long as they get that piece of paper stating they are legitimately married. They wish to be seen as conforming to their parents wishes and their family's traditions. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!
It matters not whether this is a couple's very first trip to the altar, or a second or even a third time around for both or either, "Love is blind" and being 'in love', seems to guide them down that aisle, whether they should be taking the walk or not.?
If the couple gave any real consideration to the wording of their vows, especially Christian vows, just maybe they would think twice even three times, especially concerning the words.
Love, Honour, Cherish, are pretty much straight-forward, in sickness and health, richer or poorer, sort of speak for themselves, better or worse, here's where the water gets a little muddy, keeping only unto your partner, well in today's thinking lots of mud gets stirred up with that one.
"Till death do you part". This is a humongous committment, to stand by your partner no matter what, to try to live with them in harmony no matter how difficult it might be or might become, until such time as one partner or the other, dies.
Most couples today are not seeing things with both eyes open. For example while dating, you see that your partner though for the most part is very level headed, but every once in a while they fly off the handle and lose their temper. Do you excuse it? Do you make a mental note of it, hoping it will change? Do you discuss it with them to see if something is wrong? or, Do you recognize that they have anger management issues and dump them? Nine times out of ten one hopes that once they marry, the problem will either have fixed itself, or that one can change the partner. Not a good move.
Why would you marry with someone that you know and see has anger management issues whether the problem at present is with you or someone else, with the possibility that that problem could be turned onto you? The truth, the facts are there, yet usually one chooses to ignore them or hopes later to change them.
It may not be anger management, but maybe a drinking problem, or gambling, or maybe your parner is a Couch Potato, maybe they are a neat freak, maybe they are a control freak, maybe they like to spend more time on the internet than with you, there are a million and one different little things that they do or they don't do that you don't like or agree with.
If this is the case how much are you willing to accept? How much do you totally hate and will avoid no matter the cost? How much will you tollerate for the time being, hoping beyond hope that things will change? How much do you hope and pray that getting married will be the solution to bring aroud change?
If you are not happy now while you are dating with the things you are seeing, then why oh why would you marry the person and hope things will change or that you can change them. Why would you put yourself through that, especially with the possibilites of things getting worse and total failure.
There are no guarantees that come with that piece of paper permitting you to sleep together and file your taxes jointly. There is absolutely no implied promise or guarantee of happiness or an easy life. Their's no promise or guarantee that your partner is ever going to change into the person you hope they might become. There is nothing that says that for the next 1, or 25, or 50 years you will remain in a happy or loving relationship.
Do not go into a marriage or stay in a relationship believing that you can change things or change the person you are in it with. Don't go there! Do not marry believing things will change later for the better, because 9 times out of 10, they won't.
On a personal note: I am in a marriage relationship that has lasted going on 26 years now.
Enter into a marriage with your eyes totally open, and if you are religious, invite God into the relationship right from the start. Don't wait for something to go wrong.
Tags: Couples , Marriage , Qualities , Traits
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