Heard By A Bird, April

Sparrow May 20, 2008

"I am the opposite of Sigmund Freud; I ask, 'What don't women want?'"
- Dr. Otto Rank

A Letter

Dear gossip-spreader:

Do you know the expression "as the crow flies"? It means the most direct route possible -- a straight line. I propose the opposite concept: "My neighbor's house is two miles off, as the mosquito flies." (In other words, your neighbor is 30 feet away.)

A.E.T.

Overheard at Brio's:

"Jason's lived up here three years, but he's still not a local. He's just a full-time weekender."

Green Pepper Cup

"Did you ever drink from a green pepper cup?" Adrian Dalby asked me. When I confessed that I had not, she explained: "Just cut a fresh green pepper in half, and drink from one half -- or both halves! Water is so refreshing drunk from a living food (technically a fruit, of course). But only use your green pepper cup for one day -- so it doesn't get moldy!"

Chief Hippie

"It's too bad hippies are not more competitive," muses Ron Freil. "There should be a Chief Hippie of Phoenicia."

Shandaken Poetry Experience

My Poems

My poems
begin
to get
shorter
in 1999.

Now they're
12 words
long.

- Mary Gerd

Dancing Window

O dancing
window, how your
curtains sway!

- Anatole Smithson

A Second Letter

Dear Local Expert:

The human face is a progression. At the top is multiplicity: thousands of hairs. Below, two eyes. Beneath that, a single nose -- but with two nostrils. Finally, further down, one mouth. Thus the face is a journey from multiplicity to oneness.

A. P.

Bumper sticker: WARNING: I BRAKE FOR STONE WALLS

Interview with a Tiara-Maker

I spoke with Jeff Codwin at his office/workshop in Bushnellsville.

Sparrow: I hear you manufacture tiaras.

Codwin: Yes, although "manufacture" is the wrong word. We make them one at a time. And only for men.

Sparrow: Oh, really!

Codwin: I know what you're thinking: "These are tiaras for drag queens." But that's unnecessary. Drag queens can wear ordinary tiaras. We craft ornaments for the masculine head, without a bouffant wig.

Sparrow: That's hard to picture.

Codwin: Of course it's hard to picture! These are the first male tiaras in history. I researched it on Wikkipedia. Let me show you one. [He brings me to the display case.]

Sparrow: Now I see! They are simple, elegant and manly!

Codwin: Would you like to try one on?

Sparrow: Well, I don't see any reason...

Codwin: Come on, give it a try.

Sparrow: [Pointing.] That one! [I try it on, looking in the mirror.] I resemble a prince.

Codwin: Yes, that's right. A king wears a crown, but a prince might wear a tiara. Or a baron.

Sparrow: I look a bit evil.

Codwin: Tiaras can have a glint of evil. Especially with a beard. No offense.

Sparrow: None taken. How's business?

Codwin: This is our seventh year, and each year we get more orders. In two or three years, expect an explosion of male tiaras.

Sparrow: I'll be waiting.

For more information, see www.tiarasformen.com.