I did no not know about the grief process for years. I had no feelings, and therefore, had no grief. That was the safest way because growing up in a mentally ill family with alcoholism was not emotionally healthy. Therefore, I was like a frozen ice cube; my feelings were not flowing like water. Learning that grief is important for a healthy life, was a new idea for me years back. There was no emotional flow in my feelings.
Going through my life was like a zombie or a Pinocchio. I went through my life looking good to my neighbors and friends, performing well in concerts and college, and in my careers of teaching and being a businessperson. However, knock, knock, no one is home even though it looked like the lights were on.
When my life went into crisis, I had been married for 25 years with a grown daughter and son. I had to choose between remaining that frozen ice cube or thaw out and grow up into maturity, reality, and have feelings.
At that time my fears were so intense from my past trauma and abuse, it was the most difficult choice I had to ever make. Before, I had just existed and not made decisions for myself. To turn my life around has not been easy. The fears that ran my life surfaced to stop my progress. Gradually, I learned to use faith and move out of the fear, to trust and rely on my positive intuition from within and not others. Then I could trust to walk the path that I was newly on, a path of love.
Walking out of fears, anger, guilt, and shame has been a long journey of almost thirty years. Protect myself from cruel and intense trauma has been a life altering experience of releasing physical harm, emotional abuse, and the lack of nurturing was a challenge. Waking up to transform my past into responding into forgiveness and taking loving action forward instead of reacting was a risk.
However, this saved my life and allowed me to gain the experience to move into being a “real” person with emotions that flow in reality. This meant beginning to feel all the feelings that I had stuffed and denied. Gradually, my opportunities to experience the hurt, harms, and pains I endured surfaced, to be loved into a resolution.
I could not grieve my father’s death as my doctor had me on Valium for anxiety. I know today, that prescription drugs, alcohol, or other toxic substances stop my feelings from moving through my body. When my mother died, I was newly open to emotions. All I could feel was anger, that my mentally ill mother could not nurture me.
With years of healing my other negative feelings into resolution, I found that this week my best friend died. I went into shock, immediately and cried as I was feeling a huge loss, abandoned and anger that she left me. My gut ached and my head would not focus. I felt like I was in a fog with no direction. I was grieving. My feelings were current, appropriate, and predictable. I felt guilt that I had not helped her when she asked and had put it off until later. Had I said something that upset her so much?
I had become a real person instead of my old robot self. I was experiencing a loss. No games this time, just the bare facts that I miss her. I loved her. She was my closest friend and loved me even when we disagreed. I did not pretend every thing was fine, or try to look good to others.
I will miss our long visits, lunches, and companionship. Today I understand this loss and grieve leaves space and allows love to replace the old emotional, stuck, fearful energy. Her love can replace the sorrow over time.
The chance to break through the last of my old frozen feelings into letting them flow out for a new better life of joy to replace the old pains of my past. She gave me a gift, no one else could. The chance to come alive with a healthy emotional existence of being in the flow is now possible. Now that the worst is over, for now, I see the beautiful gifts she gave me. What better gifts could I ever receive?
She is an international author, speaker, counselor, and columnist. Marilyn often appears in interviews on radio and television. She hosted and produced her own talk radio show, “Marilyn’s Solutions” which are on her web site.
Marilyn was inducted into Who’s Who for Professionals and Executive for her innovation work and pioneering work in restoring traumatic lives, healing emotional causes of illness and releasing negative energy. Her innovative information uses the universal laws, holistic health, and understands the dynamics to address the root causes of disease and addiction.
Her recent E-book is, “The Real Meaning of 2012, Bringing a New Paradigm of Heaven to Earth” amazon.com, which can also be downloaded. It offers more understanding how the ego stops the love in your life.
Her story, “Roses Have Thorns, Encouragement for Evolving from Pain to Joy”, is available on Amazon.com. or her web site: angelicasgifts.com. Marilyn is currently getting ready to publish her book, “Paradigm Busters, Reveal the Real You”. This will provide the details to overcome mind control and similar difficulties. Her other interviews, lectures, and articles can be enjoyed on her web site at angelicasgifts.com. Book her for your next program or seminar.