CYBERSPACE — Suspected terrorist and one of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted Fugitives was recently found on the popular networking site MySpace. For security reasons, the CIA has declined to release the exact Internet address of the terrorist.
However, the agency did release printouts and details of the terrorist’s profile on the site.
Bin Laden welcomes Islamic fundamentalists to his site, where "Jihad Just Don’t Stop!" "Zionists and infidels," however, are urged to click a link that leads to depictions of them burning in some sort of hellish scenario, the CIA claims.
His occupation is listed as "terrorist." While bin Laden did not list an educational institution, he did list "Explosives" and "Financing for Charitable Front Organizations" as his courses of study. His personal interests include "murder, hiding, terrorism, praying, issuing fatwas, provoking unnecessary wars, and really just being a pain to the leaders of the West".
Bin Laden is listed as single. The Islamic fundamentalist said he is interested only in perpetual virgins, particularly the seventy-two of them promised to him for martyrdom.
Numerous critics have pointed out that the site might be a sham, since the terrorist leader has no friends in his MySpace network. He is also lacking any testimonials, which are commentaries by other MySpace members as to one’s character.
"It’s clear that any computer literate person wants to distance themselves from this individual. This could clearly be a sign that his influence in the Muslim world is waning," said CIA Director of National Intelligence Mike McConnell. "And he has a horrible playlist in his player," he added, "That music is an act of terrorism in itself."
Law enforcement officials declined to say whether or not they had tracked the material on the site to a geographic location, but McConnell said "the investigation is ongoing, and apprehending this terrorist’s webpage is an important step in the war on terror."
The URL www.myspace.com/osamabinladen was already taken by one enterprising user, who refers to herself as Galore. An obviously disappointed bin Laden was forced to register under a different name, further complicating his site and angering the terrorist. "I must call for jihad against this registrant," bin Laden wrote on his own MySpace page.
Predictably, bin Laden’s presence has not been welcomed, prompting accusations of murder and numerous attempts to remove his page. A representative from MySpace could not be reached for comment.
"Murder is such a harsh word," bin Laden wrote in defense of his terrorist practices.
reported in jest by John Eischeid