Tired of steady income? Want to relive the days when you were smoking pot in dorm rooms and promised yourself you’d never work for "the Man" as old Weezer songs played in the background, while your roommate was too busy having sex with his girlfriend in the next room to have similar epiphanies? Feel the need to stay home and research the skyrocketing number of minority single mothers attempting to find out who indeed is the father on Maury, while totally wolfing down some Chef Boyardee? The man does make a mean Beefaroni. If you have answered yes to any of these questions, try this 5-day plan that will get you fired in the funnest way possible. Unless of course, you worked at Sizzler and smushed your balls on the salad bar sneeze-guard in a fit of rage. But that’s just common sense.
Buy a bicycle helmet. Preferrably white with red stripes, or any garden variety design. Drop a brick on it 1-2 times, or until there is noticeable damage. Smear corn syrup where any cracks appear to give the appearance of blood. Give it to a hobo and let him wear it for a week, on the condition that he brings it back to you. When he comes back buy a 12-pack of King Cobra and split it with him. Call into work and say that a family emergency has come up and you will be gone from the office for about a week. Wake up from drinking the King Cobra on Sunday. Tell the hobo thank you and that he can count on you for some change anytime. Get ready for work the next morning, and calmly walk in wearing the split-open, blood-stained helmet. Have a congenial look on your face. When a co-worker walks up to you and asks, "What’s with the helmet?" Immediately change the expression on your face from politely attentive to unspeakable dread. Say, in an almost inaudible whisper, "Keyser Soze." Walk to your cubicle and feverishly eat bananas for 15 minutes in plain view of your co-worker.
Still wearing your helmet, wait for a supervisor or other colleague to hand you a form that he/she needs copies of. Grab the form, and while they are still in front of you, stuff the paper down your pants, and with an earnest, intense look on your face, rub it on your genitals for a good 45 seconds. Remove the paper from your pants, and in a regretful manner, slowly hand it to your supervisor and say, "Sorry…all out of ink." Walk away forlorn. Feverishly eat bananas for 15 minutes in plain view of your supervisor.
Do not go into work wearing the helmet. Today smear a black stripe of sunblock that football players use under each eye. Wait until you see a group of co-workers congregating around somebody’s cubicle, the break room, or other part of the office. Nonchalantly walk up to the circle of people, and at the right moment, interject with, "Seriously. I know, right?" Then from behind your back take out a plastic jug of Crystal Palace vodka, and take a good 3-4 second swig. Cap the bottle, then look around with a beaming smile on your face and in your best Stone Phillips voice, say "Mmm…that’s good coffee." Walk to your cubicle and feverishly do shots of vodka for 15 minutes in plain view of your co-workers.
Today wear both the helmet and the black sunblock under each eye. Throughout the day today, in any social interaction you engage in, with any person inside the office building, begin the conversation by angrily shouting, "Damn it, Susan! I’m not my father, and I never will be!" Once this first line has been repeated enough to be an established foundation for every other converation you will have that day, walk around the office and randomly shout out only select portions of those sentences. Emphasize different words in different ways every time you say a selection. For example: "Not my FATHER!" "Susan!" "Willlllll beeeeee!" "I never!" "IIIII never!" "Will be?" "Will be!" "Damn it, Susan!" "Not my father!" Repeat until hoarse.
If you haven’t gotten fired yet, kudos. Today, no helmet, no eye black. Just walk in normal as can be, speak to a few people in a normal way as if the past 4 days had never happened. Start to almost freak people out by how calm and collected you seem. Work normally as the day passes. Have lunch by yourself at your cubicle while doing work, like you’re just getting a head-start on things you have to take care of. After everybody has some sort of impression that you are back to normal, walk into somebody’s cubicle and ask, "Hey. How are things?" As soon as they start to speak, unbuckle your pants and release a bowel movement into his/her wastebasket. FIN