I always wanted a perfect relationship. After a thirty-year marriage in domestic violence I prayed not to recreate the dynamics I was leaving. Surprisingly, I heard a silent voice tell me that I had to change myself to attract what I wanted. When I become those characteristics that were favorable, I would find a partner of the same qualities.
From years of classes for learning healthy behaviors, receiving counseling, and attending support groups, I began to awaken. After a few more unhealthy associations, I found some more answers. First, I discovered that I was trying to be in control from passive conduct. My mother taught me subconsciously how to manipulate situations for being safe and determining outcomes. Sadly, I realized that her modeling was not working in my life. I actually was not having the results I was trying to achieve. What was the problem?
I read that. “There is no substitute for personal experience.” In Life Between Life by Joel L. Whitton, M.D. Ph.D. This was a new idea for me. I always stayed in an emotionally passive position thinking I would be safe. I was a robot going through life. I had no feelings to experience anything. I learned this at home growing up.
Through my spiritual support groups, I found that a major concern came from being in my ego and perpetuating my fears out to my partner. This brought back irrational consequences and a disappointingly disruptive life. What did I have to change? A magic wand would be a great relief for the harmful emotional costs.
First, I had to start making decisions and not continue sitting on the fence post to be out of harm’s way. What if I made the wrong decision? This was my basis for living. If I do not make a decision than I could agree with either side of peoples’ conversations and they would like me. I realized that I needed to change my cause and take a stand, because I was falling for everything while I was being harmed in the process. To stand up for my self and my ideas was fearful and new to me. I was actually being gullible.
How could I have enough courage to have an opinion and speak up to be heard? Since I was attending spiritual groups that were teaching me to overcome my fears, I decided to try it. I would allow a loving spirit that I defined as God, to help me. Using faith was not common for me at that time. In Sunday school, I believed that I was good enough for God to be in my life. To invite God to determine the outcome to my choices was new and overwhelming.
However, I learned that when I came from a positive place I could have results that are more rational. This meant life is about cause and effect. I would have to allow myself to change my negative ideas into positive thoughts for good results. My first attempts of using faith to determine how things would turn out was difficult, however, the outcome each time, actually was better than I expected and I felt good about the experience. With time, this became easier until today I rather choose this revelation to apply, as I come out feeling good. I became a new person that I liked. Usually, I am the person who I want to be with today. I became rational and over time matured.
With releasing my old fears and self-centered life, I found being in a relationship was easier. In fact, when I surrendered my ego to allow the love in my heart to be the cause of my actions, decisions, and inspiration, I had a cooperative, friendly, and harmonious relationship with others.
I could not change others, but I did change me. I attracted another person who was outgrowing his ego. Together we have learned to allow each other the space and mistakes to continue growing in our inner journey of finding our real selves. It feels like unconditional love.
Here are some of the tips I learned for more loving relationships.
1. Focus on yourself and make yourself happy. That is not the job of others.
2. Respond and not over-react to other people, places or things. Then I am not a victim.
3. Adapt my perception. Others are being themselves even if they are not up to my high standards.
4. What is my part? This stops my blaming others for my misery.
5. See with my heart. They are a child of God and their behavior is from their experience.
6. Allow people to be wrong. Maybe I do not know what is right for them. I quit playing God.
7. What can I contribute to this relationship? I began to help it grow instead of taking until there was nothing left.
8. Validate myself I do not need another to make me okay.
9. Eliminate expectations to increase my peace of mind. This releases unrealistic demands.
10. I rather be happy than right. How important is it to win an argument?
Happily, I am now in a healthy, loving relationship and we rarely squabble. Neither of us has an “ego” that needs to win. He has a life, I have a life, and we share wonderful experiences traveling, enjoying plays, and progressing on our spiritual journeys with friends. We both focus on God first and the rest falls in place. The magic wand is love.
Rev. Marilyn Redmond is a Holistic Health Counselor, Past Life Regression Therapist, member of the International Board for Regression Therapy, and author of “Roses Have Thorns”. She has many E-books on Amazon com. Check out her web site angelicasgifts.com. Call to book her for your next event at 253-845-4907 or E-mail: Marilyn@angelicasgifts.com