1. Definition of a Vacuum – A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
2. Definition of Germinate – To become a naturalized German.
3. Definition of a Magnet – Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
4. To keep milk from going sour – Keep it in the cow.
5. For a nosebleed – Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
6. Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
7. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. (I raise my glass to this one).
8. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
9. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
10. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
11. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
12. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. (The Big Bang theory in miniature).
13. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars. (And THAT’s why, people, we sometimes get butterflies in the stomick).
14. When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire. (If you think about it, this one holds a deep philosophical truth).
15. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
16. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. (If it abstains, don’t give anything).
17. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
18. The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
19. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u. (This one leaves me vowelless).
20. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
21. Definition of a Planet – A body of Earth surrounded by sky. (I can see the view-point).
22. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
23. To prevent contraception – wear a condominium.
24. To remove dust from the eye – pull the eye down over the nose.
25. Respiration is composed of two acts – first, inspiration, and then expectoration.
26. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. (Immortality in the Alphabet Soup).
27. Lime is a Green- tasting rock. (This one is a personal favorite).
28. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down. (Dear old Newton must be rotating in his grave).
29. Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a height of 1,000 feet?
Answer: I have never performed this experiment. (A true scientific answer indeed).
30. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
31. Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.
32. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. (I SO love this one!).
33. The wind is like the air, only pushier.
34. Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
35. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
36. There is a tremendous (sic) weight pressing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
37. A fossil is a dead bone.
38. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.
39. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
40. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. (Another deep truth).
41. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
42. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
43. Clouds are high flying fogs.
44. A monsoon is a French gentleman. (Somehow I always suspected)
45. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.