NEW YORK, NY — In an unprecedented move, a Wall Street trader today liquidated his conscience in order to settle its debts with his ego, a spokesman for the trader said.
The trader, Franc DeFraud, made the move shortly after the market opened. The sell is expected to greatly increase DeFraud’s disposable income and ego.
“My ego posted 10 percent gains in Q4, and I realized that gain could have been 15 percent, had I not acted on my scruples. Only 2 percent came from my charitable work, including, of course, my tax-deductible donations,” DeFraud said in a press conference after the sale.
“My conscience proved to be a liability in my attempts to maximize my short term gains. I now have more leverage in my trading activities, not to mention more time in which to engage in them,” DeFraud said.
DeFraud’s attorneys approved the transaction, claiming that it violated no laws.
A representative from the office of New York State Attorney General agreed, but urged caution regarding such transactions. "While it is not expressly forbidden to sell off one’s conscience, it is a cause for alarm and not a precedent to be followed," the representative said.
Some analysts derided the move, citing an 11.3 percent decline in DeFraud’s overall etiquette and 5 percent spike in his degeneracy in the hours following the trade. "All these indicators point to the same conclusion: he’s a jerk," said independent analyst Rod Maloogs.
Furthermore, Maloogs said, DeFraud failed to get top dollar for his trade, which was a mere $0.15 per scruple. “That’s a very low price, and it indicates that he was on the verge of being morally bankrupt prior to the transaction,” Maloogs said.
DeFraud, however, allayed fears such fears, "My conscience is clear, even if it is in the hands of the highest bidder."
"I expect to boast record profits in Q2 of next year, but don’t tell my priest or my psychologist,” DeFraud said.
Maloogs said he and other analysts are not so optimistic. "There is concern that we might see a market correction in the future, likely in the form of a beatdown," he added.
Morals, which are considered by some investors to be a statistical drag on earnings, have been a prevalent issue lately. The SEC has issued numerous indictments, including those against Kenneth Lay, formerly of Enron infamy.
reported in jest by John Eischeid
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